How to Make a Most-Excellent Movie

Ok, his is actually a paper I typed in class for Comp 1 while I was in high school. I guess that would have been over two years ago... Crazy. So anyway, I wanted to write a blog tonight, and that just isn't gonna happen, so let me offer this Comp 1 composition as a Blog 1 cop-out. Also, the title of this blog was the title of the paper. Just so you know. I was largely influenced by Bill and Ted back then. What can I say?

Ready? Ok!

Step 1: Find a hot girl for the lead actress, such as Eva Green, or any bond girl for that matter. They are generally some of the hottest women on earth, and would make a great choice. This is by far the most crucial and necessary step.

Step2: Get John Wayne or Russell Crowe to be the leading actor. They are both awesome and would each make a most excellent choice depending on your type of movie. John Wayne is the best for western movies, whereas Russell Crowe, bless his heart, does not fair so well. The movie 3:10 to Yuma lowered my opinion of both him and Christian Bale. Any other type of action movie, however, would be very well off with Russell Crowe.

Step 3: Do not be frugal! If you want to make a movie that truly kicks hard, don’t be afraid to spend a little money. The more you spend in special effects and awesome props and stunts, the more money your movie will make. This is a crucial step in the Most-Excellent-Movie-Making industry.

Step 4: If you want your movie to be legendary, always don’t let Tom Cruise be in it. He is crazy and a sissy. Real men generally do not respect him. They may enjoy your movie when it comes out, but it will be remembered as no more than a Tom Cruise movie, which would definitely NOT be legendary.

Step 5: If you plan on making a sequel, be sure to hire the same people that were in the original. Another problem with most sequels that you need to be sure you avoid is not to neglect step 3. Many movie makers believe that as long as the first one was great, people will like the second one. That is false. The second one, if done correctly, should add to the legend of the original.

Step 6: Your plot should be fairly consistent with awesomeness. Steps 1 through 4 should be enough to carry your movie even if the plot is weak, but the desired effect that you should be striving for is legendary. Only movies with great plots are legendary. I would suggest that you hire writers that have already written great movies. Again, be sure to follow step 3.

Step 7: The best way to achieve a big audience is also choose a wise time to release the film. Summer is a good time because summer films are good, and it is also a great time to advertise because people like going out and doing fun things, such as watching legendary movies.

Step 8: This is the final step. Advertise. Without adequate advertisement (at least three months before your movie comes out), people will not anticipate your movie, ergo it will not seem like a very big deal. Therefore, it is absolutely imperative that people anticipate your movie.

  -Following these steps exactly will ensure a most excellent movie. (step 8 is for legendary-ness; not most excellent-ness, by the way.)

---Well, there you have it. Can you believe I didn't get an A in the class? Me neither. Also, of the last two blogs, Tom Cruise has been mentioned in two. I'm not sure that's ok... Oh well. Also again, Brandon, sorry I said anything even slightly negative about Christian Bale. But, to be fair, The Dark Knight was not out yet.

And why is "Plot" Step 6? Obviously, I got Step 1 right (assuming of course that I meant from the last few Bond movies), but maybe plot should have been a little higher than 6 on a list of 8 steps about movie-making. I mean, at the very least, it should probably be considered a higher priority than the sequel (Step 5), but what do I know?

"Stimulation by Conversation" with Your Host, Tommy Hurt

I know for a fact that everybody who meets me is instantaneously impressed and intrigued by my sharp wit and quick tongue, yet the initial impression they get only gives way to deeper and deeper appreciation for my unparalleled intellect and verbal grandeur. Many men find me to be a perfect model of the balance between manhood and tenderness, while women find someone in whom they can confide without worry of being creeped on. Everybody loves me and I will go down in history as a greater man than even Tom Cruise.

We are all only a product of our environment and have little control over our own lives, let alone each other's; yet we are exactly what makes other people what they are. Everybody is influential, yet we possess no real influence because we are too influenced by everybody else to be unique or influential.

Having said that, I would now like to inform you that I have been pondering deep thoughts on subjects of philosophy and the like, and after all of my reasoning (and abandonment of reasoning) I have decided that owls with beards are the wisest owls of all.

Also, I have decided that you (almost every philosopher in history) should never worry about questions with no answer, because you will find that there is no answer, and that can be irritating.

If, however, you are turned on by deep thoughts and enjoy listening to wise, respectful men with mustaches, please feel free to click on this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPhj5xXoGh0. Listen to the beauty of this man's simple philosophy and see if you are not just flabbergasted by its merit, loveliness, and charm. I was.

In closing to this short, ill-thought out blog, I would like to leave you all with this small thought:

I am going to marry this woman.

Brandi Carlile just happened to be playing on my iTunes while I was writing this, so I thought maybe she should finally be mentioned in my blog. Ohhh daddy... She will be mine; oh yes. She will be mine.

Did You See Us Fighting?

TRAP!!!

That was for some of my friends; if you don't know what I am talking about, then either you don't love me and I don't love you, or you have never seen the outtakes from Serenity. It starred Nathan Fillion, who is very cool, as was the rest of the cast. Serenity is pretty much a futuristic western movie that was made to conclude the TV series Firefly, which was sadly cut short before its time :(

Captain Malcolm Reynolds

So I realize that it has been a while (yet again) since my last post, so I will try to catch you up on a few things that have been going on in my life. Hopefully you will find them int'resting.

I have started watching the show Castle, which also stars Nathan Fillion, about author Richard Castle. Castle has been following around a lady police-cop detective named Kate Beckett (who, I might add, is not too bad on the ol' eyeballs) to get ideas for his novels, which are murder-mysteries. His character is super smart, but mostly hilarious. He has also inadvertently become one of my new heroes. Good for him.

I also realized that my last blog left out a few '80s-isms that simply MUST be mentioned. I made it very clear that I could not get to everything that I wanted to get to concerning the '80s, but I gotta give a shout-out to Fieros and Hall and Oates.

The first time I saw this, my mind exploded. And I died.
Yet I came to life again, and was more alive than ever. True story.

Also, I have finally seen in its entirety, start to finish, and recently, Back to the Future. It was pretty much everything that it is cracked up to be. I liked it anyway, and I figured it would be a good idea to watch it since I mentioned it in my last blog.

Christmas was good, I got a lot of neat stuff, and more importantly got to see my brother-in-law and sister, whom I miss. Now I am back in school, and I think that classes are going to be good this year.

In addition to this, I keep thinking about how much I have changed the last couple of years. I have indeed changed a bit, that's for sure... I used to be better at stuff, like reading and understanding crap. Now I know more stuff, and I comprehend some things better, but it's hard for me to relate a lot of the stuff that I think I understand. I also would say that in some areas I have changed for the better, but I wonder what my younger self would think of me now. Actually, he might not like me a lot, come to think of it... Who knows? Anyway, I can't help but think of Kate Beaton right now, and I like excuses to put her comics in my blog because they are funny. Here is a good one.

I guess life used to be a bit simpler back then; not that it's super complicated at the moment, but I guess there are some biggish decisions coming up, like maybe what on earth to do with my life. Maybe I'll race tigers. Not unlike He-Man. That sounds fulfilling... Why couldn't Past Tommy have had some ambition or direction? Stupid jerk... If Steve Irwin hadn't been maliciously... passed away. If he hadn't passed away is what I mean; then maybe I would have still wanted to work with animals in some way. Or if maybe there had been a career in watching Ninja Turtles and eating Cheetos. Whatever it was I did as a kid. I don't know. Maybe I haven't changed at all. That's scary. 

Put Love First and Make It Last

Haha just kidding. Love is stupid.

Anyway, I was just sitting around Bob's house waiting on him to finish taking a shower so we could go to Beau's house for men's Bible study and I thought that I would do well to write a blog. So now I am writing a cute little post.

Everybody on The Facebook seems pretty concerned about their grades, so I just thought maybe you would care to know about mine. You know, speaking of almost everybody I know, almost everybody I know is super concerned about grades, which isn't surprising because almost everybody I know is either in the Honors Program at RSU or is some kind of genius who goes to TU for smart-related stuff. I, personally, never worry about grades because, like almost everybody I know, I tend to make fairly decent ones. I did manage to get two B's in courses in which I thought I would get A's, but, as I was saying, I don't ever worry because (remember my life's creed?) things work out for me. So now you all know that I made GPA.

I half wondered if I should make this part about my grades public knowledge, but then I remembered that I should. That 20-page paper that was wearing me down got finished a full three hours before it was due, whereupon I turned it in and--wouldn't you know it?--I got an A in the class. Aw yiss. Things work out for me. Even if I procrastinate until the day before something so monumental is due to work on it.

So anyways, you wanna know what was awesome? (And you know I don't just throw that word around) The 19 stinkin' 80's. I <3 them very much. I also like the early 1990's, which are pretty similar. You get into stuff like the Ninja Turtles and The Fresh Prince around this time. The 80's were a magical time filled with many wondrous and magical things that could only have been conceived in that time. Technology was on the way up and so was creativity; BAM! you get Back to the Future. I could spend many years and devote an entire new blog to the 80's, or even just the music or movies, or the best combination of the two man has ever seen: 80's music videos, but I won't. Although it WOULD probably be a masterpiece of Bloggery... Anyway, I will just discuss a very limited number of things that I do love about the 80's that comes to the top of my head.

Yeah, that's right; Uncle Jesse.

Mullets. Men--and women, for that matter--could roam freely about, proudly sporting huge beautiful mullets without any fear of condemnation; women could expect sincere compliments and men could anticipate women lining up around the block just to touch them. (The mullets, I mean...)

By the way, he looked so much better with that beast growin' out of his head than he does now with his average sexy-man haircut...

They could mess you up so bad.
That is the Ninja way.

NINJAS. I love them! I love all the Ninja children in the whole world! In case you did not know, these are the 3 Ninjas, from the hit 1992 movie, 3 Ninjas. This is one of the most beautiful inspiring movies of all time. (From left to right, Colt, Tum-Tum, and Rocky) I say, watch it.

The 80's... Sigh...

Speaking of awesome children... This fine gentleman needs no introduction, but just so you know, his name is Doogie Howser, M.D. Portrayed, of course, by the ever-incredible Neil Patrick Harris. If the 3 Ninjas don't completely kill you, he could fix you. Men want to be him, and women just want him. He has got it going on.








80's Women.

Madonna

The Bangles

Now, truthfully, do I need to say more? I did leave out Pat Benatar, Stevie Nicks, Nancy and Amy Wilson, Bonnie Tyler, Blondie, and The Go-Go's, but you get the idea. 

As I try to think of more and more awesome things about the 80's that I love, I am beginning to realize that the list may actually be endless. I cannot even begin to say how highly I regard the music videos. Some say that they destroyed real music, but I say it was worth it. I also say that it isn't true. After all, we've still got GREAT musical treasures like Billy Joel running around. 

I want you all to realize that there are sooooo sooooo many more great things that I have not mentioned, but I will leave you with this one that I refuse to leave out:

The greatest 40th President EVER. Possibly the greatest President since Washington. 

As you can see, love is what makes the world go 'round. I think that was where I was headed with this post anyway. I dunno. Sometimes my head thinks of random weird things, and sometimes it seems like I have had a stroke... Of brilliance! Or I am at least reminded of something, or someone brilliant, such as Ronald Wilson Reagan. The real focus of this post, I should say, was how important, and legendary, the 80's were. In America, at least. And after all, isn't America all that matters? I'll tell you; it is. I love America, and I love the 80's. Man, I am all over the place... I know that according to the blog site, this was published sometime after 2:00, but all of these posts are actually published two hours after it says that they were. Just so you know. That is a large contribution to the fact that they make very little sense and are riddled with mistakes, grammatical and otherwise. Now you know, and now you have read probably my longest post. That is, if you don't include Andrew Jolly's posts. They were kinda long. Plus also, I started this while Bob was in the shower and got about to where I started talkin' about the 80's before we had to leave.  I decided to finish it sometime around 3:30 and have since then been piddling around writing on it. Now it is time to post it and stop typing everything that come to my head.

So I Figured out What to Do with My Life

No, no I haven't. I was kinda hoping that something would just come to me and I would write it. Then, of course, live my life accordingly. But, I guess that isn't gonna happen; instead I will just write another blog. And, boy, do I have a treat for you all today! No, no I don't...

All my finals are finished. And that's the end of that chapter. However (there's that intelligent-sounding conjunctive adverb again), I do still have that paper to finish. Also, I would like to start beginning every sentence with a conjunction, except "also" is an adverb. Whether grammatically appropriate. Or not. And sentence fragments. Very. Very, indeed. Indubitably, to be sure.

So, I'm pretty sure "The Beast" lives in my apartment... All you Seinfeld fans out there know what I'm talking about. Yeah, it stinks pretty good in here. Every time I open the door or walk in the kitchen, it attacks. Like a punch in the face... Also, on a related or unrelated note (make a guess), I got a new roommate to replace Zach. I just can't wait for Jacob to get outta here so I can get me another one!

When somebody has B.O., the O. usually stays with the B....

If it is in fact B.O. that I smell. I thought it was the food that somebody cooked earlier, but it won't go away, and kinda smells like a bunch of wet dogs rolled around with a bunch of other wet dogs and then came into my kitchen to hang out and pee on stuff. I am currently baking cookies to try and ward off the evil smells, but I am doubtful I can rid my apartment of this beast so easily. I have already tried Febreeze, cologne, taken out the trash, and I have had the door open for almost two hours, all with no results. I  also cannot find the source of this smell; I have taken out the trash (which didn't stink), checked the oven, the sink, the fridge, all of my cabinets, and I cannot find it. It's as if the very air has become tainted (or possessed), yet will not leave my apartment when the door is opened for two hours. If cookies can't get rid of it, I may just build a bonfire in my kitchen; a bonfire of old tires, hair, cigarettes, and diesel. Any smell would be better, and at the very least, I would understand what it is I would be smelling.

So right now anyway, the only thing I can figure out what to do with my life is to battle this demon-based smell that came out of hell. (That sounds like a totally kick-awesome title for a Dr. Seuss book, by the way. I should probably write kids books, actually; kids are stupid and could therefore relate to my literature. E.g. Poop, dirt, Wales, and Andrew's mustache.)

The cookies worked, by the way...

Ah, Intellect: A Thing to Be Desired?

Idk.

Welp, the collective intelligence of my audience just increased perhaps a million-fold (Dr. Ford's fault). I guess this means I can't write any blogs about poop. Or dirt. Or Wales. And I CERTAINLY cannot let Andrew guest blog for me anymore. That would just be embarrassing. Nope; only intellectual topics henceforth. And usage of words like "henceforth." Or cool transitional words such as "therefore," "however," "moreover," "inasmuch as," aaand so forth. So... that was pretty much the fullness of my higher-range vocabulary in practice; however, I just may sneak in the occasional semi-colon as well.

I finished up my finals today, in case you were wondering. Well, aside from the one I have tomorrow that does not even have a test, anyway. So I guess that means I will be halfway through my Sophomore year in just a few days. It does go fast, young people; all those old people aren't lying when they say that. Take note of this, but more importantly, take heart. Take heart in the fact that the faster it goes, the more numb to it you get and the less you will care. By age 19, you will be so old you will probably just be sitting around waiting for death, knowing your best days are behind you. "C'est la vie," I always c'est. (See what I did there?) That's French (blegh) for "Life sucks; oh well," in case you uneducated (very dear) readers did not know.

So, philosophy, huh? That's some heavy stuff. I'm no good at it, but I am good at sexism. You know who's good at both? Philosoraptor, that's who.

Haha, women. Can't live with them... they will not go out with me. (That was for you Brandon, in case you didn't know.) 

So, is intellect desirable? Sure. 

What is intellect? Being smart. 

What is desirable? Money. 

Is being smart money? Yes, technically yes. 

That made no sense. What am I doing with my life?

It's a New Dawn, It's a New Day, and a New Life for Me

And I'm feeling good.

Well, I mean, kinda good I suppose. It's a Michael Bublé song. I mostly put that because I made a new background for my blog. Perhaps you've seen it. I thought it was appropriate for winter, and as you can see, it is appropriate. In the future, if I change it again, which I almost probably will, this blog will seem silly and not make sense if read then. I want you all to know that I realized this going in. So don't worry.

Well, I have already completed three of my four finals, and it's only Monday. It's the final countdown. (OK, just for honesty's sake, I have five finals, but the fifth one doesn't really count because there is no test; I just have to show up.) Now all I have to do is a reflective paper for Honors Seminar and finish my 20 page Military History paper. After that, all I have to worry about is how happy I can be for Christmas. I'm thinking I can get pretty happy, but we'll see.

What else? Well, I would like to apologize for the lack of substance in my blogs... I mostly just figured I would try to get back in the game, and it hasn't been my best display. I guess I'm too old for this stuff, Riggs. My mind has been off somewhere else and I can't find it, which is just absolutely terrible because people usually need those for finals and extensive paper-writing. Ima try and do those things without it, but I'm afraid the results will be disastrous.

(I had to edit this)

As you can see, the things I say make very little sense, teetering on the edge of making no sense at all. Oh, hey guess what. As I have said, Valorie comes home on the 20th, but Jacob is leaving for Wales in early January! I know! On an unselfish level, I am very happy for him and incredibly proud; however, on a selfish level, the only level I recognize on a daily basis, I am angry because I have to go to a bunch of my classes alone next semester and am going to lose yet another roommate. But, what can ya do?

I love Murtaugh. Well, not so much love as agree. He WAS too old for that stuff, and shoulda just stayed the heck outa Riggs' way. Although, too be fair, it took both of them to take care of ol' Jet Li... I am conflicted. This is my face right now:

My face is the one on the right; the epitome of conflicted

This is from a comic by the ever-hilarious Kate Beaton, by the way. Very funny, very funny.