How to Make a Most-Excellent Movie

Ok, his is actually a paper I typed in class for Comp 1 while I was in high school. I guess that would have been over two years ago... Crazy. So anyway, I wanted to write a blog tonight, and that just isn't gonna happen, so let me offer this Comp 1 composition as a Blog 1 cop-out. Also, the title of this blog was the title of the paper. Just so you know. I was largely influenced by Bill and Ted back then. What can I say?

Ready? Ok!

Step 1: Find a hot girl for the lead actress, such as Eva Green, or any bond girl for that matter. They are generally some of the hottest women on earth, and would make a great choice. This is by far the most crucial and necessary step.

Step2: Get John Wayne or Russell Crowe to be the leading actor. They are both awesome and would each make a most excellent choice depending on your type of movie. John Wayne is the best for western movies, whereas Russell Crowe, bless his heart, does not fair so well. The movie 3:10 to Yuma lowered my opinion of both him and Christian Bale. Any other type of action movie, however, would be very well off with Russell Crowe.

Step 3: Do not be frugal! If you want to make a movie that truly kicks hard, don’t be afraid to spend a little money. The more you spend in special effects and awesome props and stunts, the more money your movie will make. This is a crucial step in the Most-Excellent-Movie-Making industry.

Step 4: If you want your movie to be legendary, always don’t let Tom Cruise be in it. He is crazy and a sissy. Real men generally do not respect him. They may enjoy your movie when it comes out, but it will be remembered as no more than a Tom Cruise movie, which would definitely NOT be legendary.

Step 5: If you plan on making a sequel, be sure to hire the same people that were in the original. Another problem with most sequels that you need to be sure you avoid is not to neglect step 3. Many movie makers believe that as long as the first one was great, people will like the second one. That is false. The second one, if done correctly, should add to the legend of the original.

Step 6: Your plot should be fairly consistent with awesomeness. Steps 1 through 4 should be enough to carry your movie even if the plot is weak, but the desired effect that you should be striving for is legendary. Only movies with great plots are legendary. I would suggest that you hire writers that have already written great movies. Again, be sure to follow step 3.

Step 7: The best way to achieve a big audience is also choose a wise time to release the film. Summer is a good time because summer films are good, and it is also a great time to advertise because people like going out and doing fun things, such as watching legendary movies.

Step 8: This is the final step. Advertise. Without adequate advertisement (at least three months before your movie comes out), people will not anticipate your movie, ergo it will not seem like a very big deal. Therefore, it is absolutely imperative that people anticipate your movie.

  -Following these steps exactly will ensure a most excellent movie. (step 8 is for legendary-ness; not most excellent-ness, by the way.)

---Well, there you have it. Can you believe I didn't get an A in the class? Me neither. Also, of the last two blogs, Tom Cruise has been mentioned in two. I'm not sure that's ok... Oh well. Also again, Brandon, sorry I said anything even slightly negative about Christian Bale. But, to be fair, The Dark Knight was not out yet.

And why is "Plot" Step 6? Obviously, I got Step 1 right (assuming of course that I meant from the last few Bond movies), but maybe plot should have been a little higher than 6 on a list of 8 steps about movie-making. I mean, at the very least, it should probably be considered a higher priority than the sequel (Step 5), but what do I know?