How to Make a Most-Excellent Movie

Ok, his is actually a paper I typed in class for Comp 1 while I was in high school. I guess that would have been over two years ago... Crazy. So anyway, I wanted to write a blog tonight, and that just isn't gonna happen, so let me offer this Comp 1 composition as a Blog 1 cop-out. Also, the title of this blog was the title of the paper. Just so you know. I was largely influenced by Bill and Ted back then. What can I say?

Ready? Ok!

Step 1: Find a hot girl for the lead actress, such as Eva Green, or any bond girl for that matter. They are generally some of the hottest women on earth, and would make a great choice. This is by far the most crucial and necessary step.

Step2: Get John Wayne or Russell Crowe to be the leading actor. They are both awesome and would each make a most excellent choice depending on your type of movie. John Wayne is the best for western movies, whereas Russell Crowe, bless his heart, does not fair so well. The movie 3:10 to Yuma lowered my opinion of both him and Christian Bale. Any other type of action movie, however, would be very well off with Russell Crowe.

Step 3: Do not be frugal! If you want to make a movie that truly kicks hard, don’t be afraid to spend a little money. The more you spend in special effects and awesome props and stunts, the more money your movie will make. This is a crucial step in the Most-Excellent-Movie-Making industry.

Step 4: If you want your movie to be legendary, always don’t let Tom Cruise be in it. He is crazy and a sissy. Real men generally do not respect him. They may enjoy your movie when it comes out, but it will be remembered as no more than a Tom Cruise movie, which would definitely NOT be legendary.

Step 5: If you plan on making a sequel, be sure to hire the same people that were in the original. Another problem with most sequels that you need to be sure you avoid is not to neglect step 3. Many movie makers believe that as long as the first one was great, people will like the second one. That is false. The second one, if done correctly, should add to the legend of the original.

Step 6: Your plot should be fairly consistent with awesomeness. Steps 1 through 4 should be enough to carry your movie even if the plot is weak, but the desired effect that you should be striving for is legendary. Only movies with great plots are legendary. I would suggest that you hire writers that have already written great movies. Again, be sure to follow step 3.

Step 7: The best way to achieve a big audience is also choose a wise time to release the film. Summer is a good time because summer films are good, and it is also a great time to advertise because people like going out and doing fun things, such as watching legendary movies.

Step 8: This is the final step. Advertise. Without adequate advertisement (at least three months before your movie comes out), people will not anticipate your movie, ergo it will not seem like a very big deal. Therefore, it is absolutely imperative that people anticipate your movie.

  -Following these steps exactly will ensure a most excellent movie. (step 8 is for legendary-ness; not most excellent-ness, by the way.)

---Well, there you have it. Can you believe I didn't get an A in the class? Me neither. Also, of the last two blogs, Tom Cruise has been mentioned in two. I'm not sure that's ok... Oh well. Also again, Brandon, sorry I said anything even slightly negative about Christian Bale. But, to be fair, The Dark Knight was not out yet.

And why is "Plot" Step 6? Obviously, I got Step 1 right (assuming of course that I meant from the last few Bond movies), but maybe plot should have been a little higher than 6 on a list of 8 steps about movie-making. I mean, at the very least, it should probably be considered a higher priority than the sequel (Step 5), but what do I know?

"Stimulation by Conversation" with Your Host, Tommy Hurt

I know for a fact that everybody who meets me is instantaneously impressed and intrigued by my sharp wit and quick tongue, yet the initial impression they get only gives way to deeper and deeper appreciation for my unparalleled intellect and verbal grandeur. Many men find me to be a perfect model of the balance between manhood and tenderness, while women find someone in whom they can confide without worry of being creeped on. Everybody loves me and I will go down in history as a greater man than even Tom Cruise.

We are all only a product of our environment and have little control over our own lives, let alone each other's; yet we are exactly what makes other people what they are. Everybody is influential, yet we possess no real influence because we are too influenced by everybody else to be unique or influential.

Having said that, I would now like to inform you that I have been pondering deep thoughts on subjects of philosophy and the like, and after all of my reasoning (and abandonment of reasoning) I have decided that owls with beards are the wisest owls of all.

Also, I have decided that you (almost every philosopher in history) should never worry about questions with no answer, because you will find that there is no answer, and that can be irritating.

If, however, you are turned on by deep thoughts and enjoy listening to wise, respectful men with mustaches, please feel free to click on this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPhj5xXoGh0. Listen to the beauty of this man's simple philosophy and see if you are not just flabbergasted by its merit, loveliness, and charm. I was.

In closing to this short, ill-thought out blog, I would like to leave you all with this small thought:

I am going to marry this woman.

Brandi Carlile just happened to be playing on my iTunes while I was writing this, so I thought maybe she should finally be mentioned in my blog. Ohhh daddy... She will be mine; oh yes. She will be mine.

Did You See Us Fighting?

TRAP!!!

That was for some of my friends; if you don't know what I am talking about, then either you don't love me and I don't love you, or you have never seen the outtakes from Serenity. It starred Nathan Fillion, who is very cool, as was the rest of the cast. Serenity is pretty much a futuristic western movie that was made to conclude the TV series Firefly, which was sadly cut short before its time :(

Captain Malcolm Reynolds

So I realize that it has been a while (yet again) since my last post, so I will try to catch you up on a few things that have been going on in my life. Hopefully you will find them int'resting.

I have started watching the show Castle, which also stars Nathan Fillion, about author Richard Castle. Castle has been following around a lady police-cop detective named Kate Beckett (who, I might add, is not too bad on the ol' eyeballs) to get ideas for his novels, which are murder-mysteries. His character is super smart, but mostly hilarious. He has also inadvertently become one of my new heroes. Good for him.

I also realized that my last blog left out a few '80s-isms that simply MUST be mentioned. I made it very clear that I could not get to everything that I wanted to get to concerning the '80s, but I gotta give a shout-out to Fieros and Hall and Oates.

The first time I saw this, my mind exploded. And I died.
Yet I came to life again, and was more alive than ever. True story.

Also, I have finally seen in its entirety, start to finish, and recently, Back to the Future. It was pretty much everything that it is cracked up to be. I liked it anyway, and I figured it would be a good idea to watch it since I mentioned it in my last blog.

Christmas was good, I got a lot of neat stuff, and more importantly got to see my brother-in-law and sister, whom I miss. Now I am back in school, and I think that classes are going to be good this year.

In addition to this, I keep thinking about how much I have changed the last couple of years. I have indeed changed a bit, that's for sure... I used to be better at stuff, like reading and understanding crap. Now I know more stuff, and I comprehend some things better, but it's hard for me to relate a lot of the stuff that I think I understand. I also would say that in some areas I have changed for the better, but I wonder what my younger self would think of me now. Actually, he might not like me a lot, come to think of it... Who knows? Anyway, I can't help but think of Kate Beaton right now, and I like excuses to put her comics in my blog because they are funny. Here is a good one.

I guess life used to be a bit simpler back then; not that it's super complicated at the moment, but I guess there are some biggish decisions coming up, like maybe what on earth to do with my life. Maybe I'll race tigers. Not unlike He-Man. That sounds fulfilling... Why couldn't Past Tommy have had some ambition or direction? Stupid jerk... If Steve Irwin hadn't been maliciously... passed away. If he hadn't passed away is what I mean; then maybe I would have still wanted to work with animals in some way. Or if maybe there had been a career in watching Ninja Turtles and eating Cheetos. Whatever it was I did as a kid. I don't know. Maybe I haven't changed at all. That's scary.